my rating: Two cavernous vagina jokes short of a perfect homage.

what possessed me: You know how they pluralized Alien and made the best sequel ever? I thought they might have found a formula for success.

what i learned: Hey you. Did you like Predator? Well, so did the guys who made this movie. I mean, they might have liked it even more than you did. While you were eating Chee-toes and/or smoking a joint laughing at Carl Weathers losing an arm in an eerie portent to the events of Happy Gilmore, these guys were taking notes on all the stuff they’d reference if they made their own sequel. And they took pretty good notes. But it plays like a couple of junior high kids got a Summer blockbuster budget and went to town. In the best and worst sense. While some design choices seem silly and Laurence Fishburne‘s character should have been a little more like Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea, the movie is a fun jaunt. Also, it’s good to know that (unlike the ultimately more predatory and savage Aliens), at their cores Predators are a lot like us. They’re jerks.

you may also enjoy: Predator, Predator 2, Alien vs. Predator, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Hellboy and unabated fanboy-ism.

tangential thought: It wasn’t until the credits rolled for this movie that I realized “I’m gonna have me some fun” is from Long Tall Sally. I just that that guy from the original movie was kind of hilariously insane. Ignorance may be bliss after all.

my rating: Three cheers for catchphrases. Out of six. Six catchphrases or cheers? Yes.

what possessed me: The Cracka and I have subtly shifted our affection for Bradley Cooper from offhand joke to a symptom of serious mental illness.

what i learned: I have little recollection of the show, if I’m being totally honest. I remember that it was like MacGyver with a black van, a guy from Battlestar Galactica, crass attitudes and guns. More likely than not, I was too righteous for it. Or afraid. Or both. But I’m all grown up and teeming with carefully cultured hate cells now. So I’m happy to report that the movie is a physics-blaspheming success. It’s also a study in inconsequential and caricaturishly generic supporting characters. The girl! The bad guy! The other bad guy! A third bad guy! And while I am aware that sounds like jagged gouge in the minus column, but I defy you to see the movie and care.

you may also enjoy: The A-Team (maybe?), S.W.A.T., The Big Hit, Ocean’s Eleven, and when a ridiculous plans come together.

tangential thought: I love my sister so much that when we decided our roles in our own A-Team and she called Murdock, I didn’t even put up a fight and quietly accepted Face. But we both know I’m still the wild card.

my rating: Two old chums in a land of tea, crumpets and fisticuffs.

what possessed me: Dahee and I were killing time in Ikebukuro and it was this or Did You Hear About the Morgans? I think I’ve said enough.

what i learned: Before I saw this, I had a theory that people didn’t like this movie because it’s not what they had in mind when they thought of Sherlock Holmes. Now I have a theory that people don’t like this movie because the cool fights come out of nowhere and the potentially interesting detective stuff seems gratuitously expository, and tacked-on. But it’s a movie that’s easy on the eyes with fun accents, so whatever.

you may also enjoy: From Hell, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Hellboy II: The Golden Army and unfulfilled potential.

tangential thought: I kind of feel like Rian Johnson could have done a really good job with this. But he could probably make a movie I’d worth watching out of a story about two comically different sisters who use witchcraft to fight a family curse wherein their lovers die young.

my rating: One giant face.

what possessed me: When QT makes a movie, I see it regardless of subject matter, weather conditions, dankness of viewing spaces and level of Eli Roth‘s hamminess. This is the first time it took me half a year to see one of his movies a second time.

what i learned: While he’s added cranking the suspense up to eleven, weaving another definitive revenge tale, having the most impressively horrifying screen villain since Unicron and re-writing history to his repertoire, nothing beats an old-fashioned Tarantino-style Mexican stand-off. My jealousy and appreciation of his ability to seamlessly blend genres and styles without ending up with disjointed, steaming poo stands unabated.

you may also enjoy: Pulp Fiction, Grindhouse, Kill Bill, Doomsday and exceeded expectations.

tangential thought: Is it just me or do half the guys in this movie look like Ewan McGregor?

my rating: Three interesting creature designs out of seventy-four plot-by-number dots.

what possessed me: I wasn’t about to miss what I’d heard to be James Cameron‘s take on FernGully.

what i learned: Technically, I believe that Cameron never makes bad movies. But he used to make better ones. I think he’s trying to remind us about it, too. Hey everyone, Giovanni Ribisi is the new Paul Reiser! Sigourney Weaver is the lovable smart aleck with moxie to spare! But why do they need to wear a hippie headband to fly a dragon? Why does a command ship need two forward-facing cockpits right next to each other? Can you listen to an iPod with a magic ponytail? But the 3D was pretty cool.

you may also enjoy: Aliens, Mononoke-hime, The Matrix Revolutions, and your ass falling asleep.

tangential thought: Evidently large wedges on the character design dart board: Cat People (more Broadway show than erotic anime), luminescent skin (thanks Twilight) and that old stand-by, dreadlocks. Stan Winston, I miss you.

my rating: Thirteen stick figure snuff drawings out of seventeen.

what possessed me: I decided to check this out because I can’t say no to Dakota Fanning, except apparently, for the last eight movies she’s released. Plus, it’s all action and superpowers, so I figured I’d make Cracka suffer (which, apparently, she didn’t really).

what i learned: Comic book nicknames for people with superpowers sound exceedingly silly when real people say them.

you may also enjoy: Heroes, Chungking Express, Wanted, The Island, Léon

tangential thought: Seeing this movie got me excited to go to Hong Kong again. But I get a little delusional whenever I see movies that glamorize locations with fancy action and eye-catching cinematography. So I’ll probably wander the streets trying to steal fishball skewers with my mind.