my rating: Two cavernous vagina jokes short of a perfect homage.

what possessed me: You know how they pluralized Alien and made the best sequel ever? I thought they might have found a formula for success.

what i learned: Hey you. Did you like Predator? Well, so did the guys who made this movie. I mean, they might have liked it even more than you did. While you were eating Chee-toes and/or smoking a joint laughing at Carl Weathers losing an arm in an eerie portent to the events of Happy Gilmore, these guys were taking notes on all the stuff they’d reference if they made their own sequel. And they took pretty good notes. But it plays like a couple of junior high kids got a Summer blockbuster budget and went to town. In the best and worst sense. While some design choices seem silly and Laurence Fishburne‘s character should have been a little more like Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea, the movie is a fun jaunt. Also, it’s good to know that (unlike the ultimately more predatory and savage Aliens), at their cores Predators are a lot like us. They’re jerks.

you may also enjoy: Predator, Predator 2, Alien vs. Predator, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Hellboy and unabated fanboy-ism.

tangential thought: It wasn’t until the credits rolled for this movie that I realized “I’m gonna have me some fun” is from Long Tall Sally. I just that that guy from the original movie was kind of hilariously insane. Ignorance may be bliss after all.

my rating: Triple score multiplier for Diddy.

what possessed me: Piopi was trying to convince me to see Grown Ups and I hastily concocted an alternate plan.

what i learned: You know, Forgetting Sarah Marshall was pretty funny. A healthy smattering of said ha-has can be attributed to Russell Brand, and to a lesser but still potent extent Jonah Hill. That was unintentionally filthy. At any rate, this re-teaming doesn’t disappoint. It does wander into unexpected and unusual territory in the last section, but hangs on to the funny. But who knew Sean Combs was going to be the shiniest star at the sparklefest? Until I saw this movie, I hadn’t forgiven him for discovering Mase. But we cool now. We cool.

you may also enjoy: Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I Love You, Man and all the other good ones.

tangential thought: If I were an unruly rock star, I would simply demand dumplings in my dressing room at every venue. It is this lack of charismatic quirkiness that prevents me from being a rock star. And a complete and all-inclusive lack of musical prowess.

my rating: One Totoro in a herd of Winnie the Poohs.

what possessed me: Pixar made another movie.

what i learned: This new outing for Woody and Buzz is pretty much everything I expected from a Toy Story flick. The humor is often as creepy as it is funny, especially when it involves Ken and Barbie. Despite the announcement of Cars 2, I’m glad Pixar hasn’t lost its touch. While I was told several times over that this was going to be a tearjerker, I didn’t find it any more sentimental than the other two, but the action was surprisingly grand in scale. Oh, and I’m conflicted about the necessity of Lego Toy Story toys. Okay, not really. They’re awesome.

you may also enjoy: Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Monsters, Inc., Tonari no Totoro and plastic likenesses.

tangential thought: My most memorable toy loss was when I was playing at my mom’s old gallery and put a M.A.S.K. figure in the electrical panel, only to have him fall backwards and irretrievably down into the wall. I would later steal that same figure from my friend Casey Heinz. I was not a good kid, and I will atone for my past in hell.

my rating: Three cheers for catchphrases. Out of six. Six catchphrases or cheers? Yes.

what possessed me: The Cracka and I have subtly shifted our affection for Bradley Cooper from offhand joke to a symptom of serious mental illness.

what i learned: I have little recollection of the show, if I’m being totally honest. I remember that it was like MacGyver with a black van, a guy from Battlestar Galactica, crass attitudes and guns. More likely than not, I was too righteous for it. Or afraid. Or both. But I’m all grown up and teeming with carefully cultured hate cells now. So I’m happy to report that the movie is a physics-blaspheming success. It’s also a study in inconsequential and caricaturishly generic supporting characters. The girl! The bad guy! The other bad guy! A third bad guy! And while I am aware that sounds like jagged gouge in the minus column, but I defy you to see the movie and care.

you may also enjoy: The A-Team (maybe?), S.W.A.T., The Big Hit, Ocean’s Eleven, and when a ridiculous plans come together.

tangential thought: I love my sister so much that when we decided our roles in our own A-Team and she called Murdock, I didn’t even put up a fight and quietly accepted Face. But we both know I’m still the wild card.

my rating: Ninety-six pounds of moxie on eight wheels.

what possessed me: On the plane to Hong Kong, I was choosing between this and New Moon, and decided that I’d prefer to see those few brief moments of Dakota on a screen larger than a headrest.

what i learned: I think I would have totally loved this movie if they had sent the script to the doctor for a couple extra doses of funny. Or maybe if they just let Kristen Wiig, Eve and Zoe Bell do their respective things a bit more. Still, it’s a good time, albeit a little too safe and by-the-numbers for Gertie‘s directorial debut.

you may also enjoy: Stick It, Bring It On, Battle Athletes and youthful indiscretion.

tangential thought: I think Ellen Page picked this movie over Drag Me To Hell, which seems to me like a questionable call.

my rating: One instance of getting the horns out of eight attempts at messing with the bull.

what possessed me: I heard through the grapevine that this was the next Blair Witch Project, and we don’t get a lot of American horror movies in the theaters over here. The “grapevine” here is read “Facebook.”

what i learned: If you’re a douche and keep daring the unknown to show you what it’s got, I’m not going to feel sorry for you when you get what you asked for. I am glad that this movie caused such a stir though, because it’s the kind of smart, low-budget, (mostly) effective horror that’s going to spawn a crap ton of copies. Some of these will be better, some of them will have boobies.

you may also enjoy: Open Water, [Rec], The Blair Witch Project, MTV’s Fear and sleeplessness.

tangential thought: Watching the trailers for this movie is like searching YouTube for 2 Girls 1 Cup reaction videos. So, it’s pretty good marketing that makes you feel icky.

my rating: One giant face.

what possessed me: When QT makes a movie, I see it regardless of subject matter, weather conditions, dankness of viewing spaces and level of Eli Roth‘s hamminess. This is the first time it took me half a year to see one of his movies a second time.

what i learned: While he’s added cranking the suspense up to eleven, weaving another definitive revenge tale, having the most impressively horrifying screen villain since Unicron and re-writing history to his repertoire, nothing beats an old-fashioned Tarantino-style Mexican stand-off. My jealousy and appreciation of his ability to seamlessly blend genres and styles without ending up with disjointed, steaming poo stands unabated.

you may also enjoy: Pulp Fiction, Grindhouse, Kill Bill, Doomsday and exceeded expectations.

tangential thought: Is it just me or do half the guys in this movie look like Ewan McGregor?

my rating: Six fuzzy muppets out of seven feathered muppets.

what possessed me: Honestly, I don’t remember the book that well, and it wasn’t one of my favorites growing up (that would be my love/hate relationship with the Scary Stories to Tell In the Dark series). But ambiguously imaginary friends, Jim Henson’s Creature Shop and Spike Jonze were enough to pique my interest.

what i learned: When you seek to build utopia, people’s feelings get hurt. For me, the most resonant chord in the movie is the way family (however you manage to assemble one) is a safety net/comfy blankey without parallel when even your wildest dreams fail. Because of this, my viewing would have been a bit of a buzzkill, had I such an excess of buzz. But it did make me think that this would be added to the required viewing for my imaginary (they take after their mother that way) children. After all, it’s always funny until someone gets hurt, and then it’s just hilarious.

you may also enjoy: Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu, Labyrinth, Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi, Tonari no Totoro and the abandonment of rationale in favor of a good time.

tangential thought: I like when Karen O reigns in the crazy a little. But I also like it when she does not.

my rating: Three interesting creature designs out of seventy-four plot-by-number dots.

what possessed me: I wasn’t about to miss what I’d heard to be James Cameron‘s take on FernGully.

what i learned: Technically, I believe that Cameron never makes bad movies. But he used to make better ones. I think he’s trying to remind us about it, too. Hey everyone, Giovanni Ribisi is the new Paul Reiser! Sigourney Weaver is the lovable smart aleck with moxie to spare! But why do they need to wear a hippie headband to fly a dragon? Why does a command ship need two forward-facing cockpits right next to each other? Can you listen to an iPod with a magic ponytail? But the 3D was pretty cool.

you may also enjoy: Aliens, Mononoke-hime, The Matrix Revolutions, and your ass falling asleep.

tangential thought: Evidently large wedges on the character design dart board: Cat People (more Broadway show than erotic anime), luminescent skin (thanks Twilight) and that old stand-by, dreadlocks. Stan Winston, I miss you.

my rating: Six good arguments for sociopathy out of six.

what possessed me: I like movies about comics, even comics I read fifteen years ago but am ashamed to revisit so close to the release of the film because I don’t want to look like all the jackasses on the L train.

what i learned: I’ve been telling everyone who will listen that I’m not sure that the movie does enough to contextualize the pervasive nuclear threat during the 1980s. But I’m still really glad they stuck to the original plot rather than updating to modern militarism. It’s got a very specific flavor and aesthetic that serves the film well. Also, I like when Rorschach insults people based on height or weight before beating the living crap out of them despite the fact that he’s a tiny man. It reminds me of The Twinkie, my other hero.

you may also enjoy: The Dark Knight, The Matrix, The Island, and entertaining a couple stray thoughts while you watch shit blow up.

tangential thought: I’m not against nudist superheroes, but I felt like I was in the VIP room at a Blue Man Group show. On the other hand, I used to find She-Hulk very attractive. Mmm… Shulkie.