my rating: Two cavernous vagina jokes short of a perfect homage.

what possessed me: You know how they pluralized Alien and made the best sequel ever? I thought they might have found a formula for success.

what i learned: Hey you. Did you like Predator? Well, so did the guys who made this movie. I mean, they might have liked it even more than you did. While you were eating Chee-toes and/or smoking a joint laughing at Carl Weathers losing an arm in an eerie portent to the events of Happy Gilmore, these guys were taking notes on all the stuff they’d reference if they made their own sequel. And they took pretty good notes. But it plays like a couple of junior high kids got a Summer blockbuster budget and went to town. In the best and worst sense. While some design choices seem silly and Laurence Fishburne‘s character should have been a little more like Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea, the movie is a fun jaunt. Also, it’s good to know that (unlike the ultimately more predatory and savage Aliens), at their cores Predators are a lot like us. They’re jerks.

you may also enjoy: Predator, Predator 2, Alien vs. Predator, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Hellboy and unabated fanboy-ism.

tangential thought: It wasn’t until the credits rolled for this movie that I realized “I’m gonna have me some fun” is from Long Tall Sally. I just that that guy from the original movie was kind of hilariously insane. Ignorance may be bliss after all.

my rating: Fifty-six guilty out of two suspects.

what possessed me: Dahee and I saw this trailer for the latest film by the director of Shimotsuma Monogatari a few weeks ago, and yesterday she reminded me it had opened. That about covers it.

what i learned: I haven’t had such an intense reaction to a movie since I first saw Japanese high school kids in a free-for-all survival game. I can’t say that I enjoyed it, but the world is a little different now that I’ve seen it. I begrudge my own humanity for sympathizing with each of the characters, and I’m ready to deify Tetsuya Nakashima the for putting desolation and heartbreak in such a eye-numbing package. Please, see this movie.

you may also enjoy: Battle Royale, Dancer in the Dark, Riri Shushu no Subete, Evangelion and beauty in decay.

tangential thought: I know it’s a totally common surname, but between Yumi, Mika and Tetsuya, the Nakashima gene-pool seems rife with awesome. And how the fuck did I manage to forget how great Radiohead is?

my rating: One instance of getting the horns out of eight attempts at messing with the bull.

what possessed me: I heard through the grapevine that this was the next Blair Witch Project, and we don’t get a lot of American horror movies in the theaters over here. The “grapevine” here is read “Facebook.”

what i learned: If you’re a douche and keep daring the unknown to show you what it’s got, I’m not going to feel sorry for you when you get what you asked for. I am glad that this movie caused such a stir though, because it’s the kind of smart, low-budget, (mostly) effective horror that’s going to spawn a crap ton of copies. Some of these will be better, some of them will have boobies.

you may also enjoy: Open Water, [Rec], The Blair Witch Project, MTV’s Fear and sleeplessness.

tangential thought: Watching the trailers for this movie is like searching YouTube for 2 Girls 1 Cup reaction videos. So, it’s pretty good marketing that makes you feel icky.

my rating: One giant face.

what possessed me: When QT makes a movie, I see it regardless of subject matter, weather conditions, dankness of viewing spaces and level of Eli Roth‘s hamminess. This is the first time it took me half a year to see one of his movies a second time.

what i learned: While he’s added cranking the suspense up to eleven, weaving another definitive revenge tale, having the most impressively horrifying screen villain since Unicron and re-writing history to his repertoire, nothing beats an old-fashioned Tarantino-style Mexican stand-off. My jealousy and appreciation of his ability to seamlessly blend genres and styles without ending up with disjointed, steaming poo stands unabated.

you may also enjoy: Pulp Fiction, Grindhouse, Kill Bill, Doomsday and exceeded expectations.

tangential thought: Is it just me or do half the guys in this movie look like Ewan McGregor?

my rating: Zero camp counselors out of fifteen corpses.

what possessed me: Please.

what i learned: People who take slasher movies seriously are a silly bunch. In the last few days, I’ve seen phrases describing this series including “jumped the shark” or “no longer scary.” They get uppity when telekinetic girls are introduced to disrupt some kind of previously unblemished purity in the mythos. Really? Are there people out there still surprised by these movies? Spoiler: There’s this guy. He kills people. It amuses us. As long as Jason doesn’t start handing out kittens and rainbows, we should pretty much know what we’re getting into. That said, this one’s more of the same. Yay!

you may also enjoy: Friday the 13th (1980), Friday the 13th Part 2, Friday the 13th Part III (in 3D), Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13th Part VII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Jason X, Freddy vs. Jason.

tangential thought: How cool would it be if Jason killed someone with a kitten?

my rating: One drowned mongoloid out of one.

what possessed me: A new DVD release and the surprising fact that I hadn’t yet subjected Beez to this film in the last twenty-three years. Nobody said this was a good movie, but you can’t wander through life without having seen it.

what i learned: Mrs. Voorhees is like Norman Bates in reverse. If somebody had gotten those two crazies to talk to each other in creepy voices instead of themselves, a lot fewer fictional characters would be dead now.

you may also enjoy: Ding. Friday the 13th Part 2, Friday the 13th Part III (in 3D), Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI, Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, Friday the 13th Part VII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Jason X, Freddy vs. Jason.

tangential thought: Wouldn’t it be weird if the funny prankster guy actually turned out to be funny once?

my rating: One imaginary friend short of sane.

what possessed me: I always wanted to revisit this movie knowing the ending, but never got around to it. And Dakota week continues.

what i learned: Abandonment and betrayal can make people really, really creepy. But it takes a rare individual to pull this off convincingly on screen. This underrated flick’s execution is far more adept than that when Arnold’s friend Dudley got molested on Diff’rent Strokes.

you may also enjoy: The Sixth Sense, Cape Fear (1991), The Amityville Horror (1979), The Amityville Horror (2005), PG-13 horror movies.

tangential thought: I watched this DVD with my imaginary friend and we kept arguing about how cute Dakota is and giggling at how crazy the characters were. The traumatized can be such a silly bunch.