my rating: Zero holes filled out of a heapin’ bunch.

what possessed me: Yes, I understand that this fixation with Dakota is creepy. No I cannot stop. Kim Morgan, my favorite movie reviewer of all time, has my back. In the interest of added responsibility shirking, I’d like to maintain The Cracka’s encouragement in this endeavor.

what i learned: I didn’t like Elvis before, and I like him less now. The word on this flick was that, in a role that expands her range into serious adult drama, Dakota’s character gets raped. When you spend the majority of a movie in eye-rolling detachment waiting for this event to finally occur, everyone feels kind of icky. But yes, once again Dakota acts the shit out of this movie, while the rest of the cast spans a range of ineptitude, all of which falls under the umbrella phrase “plum retarded.”

you may also enjoy: Deliverance, Wrong Turn, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and other cautionary tales woven specifically to prevent you from ever attempting to visit the American countryside.

tangential thought: Long ago, I read that Quentin Tarantino is willing and able to sit through any movie because there is inevitably something to be gained, even if it’s the briefest instant of inspired film-making. Based on this infinite database of diamonds-in-the-rough, he cobbles together his patchworks of genius. Astonishingly disparate metaphors aside, lightning strikes will be a prevalent theme in my eventual directorial career.

my rating: I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

what possessed me: The title is Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Unliving Dead for the English version DVD release of this (which can’t even boast a menu, incidentally). So, yeah.

what i learned: I’m starting to understand how my parents and every single one of my teachers during my extended education felt, as there are few things more disappointing than squandered potential. This film has zombies, school girls making out, a chainsaw, a lesbian incest sub-plot, Engrish, school girls making out, a ninja assassin training montage, a laser that shoots out of the hero’s hoo-ha, buckets of gore, school girls making out and juggling. And yet, I’m going to tell you that you shouldn’t see this movie. Ever.

you may also enjoy: Just check out Tokyo Gore Police and The Machine Girl instead.

tangential thought: If a secret organization conditioned me to react to easy listening music with an uncontrolable state of arousal, I’d still never listen to Yanni.

my rating: Six vows of eventual movie selection vengeance (out of none).

what possessed me: Either I can’t say no to the Cracka, I wanted to test my theory that I can enjoy any movie as long as the company is right or I had some kind of unexplained episode.

what i learned: Men are one way, and women are another way, despite whatever you may have learned from experience. And these differences are simply fucking hilarious. Additionally, I still like Drew Barrymore but sadly, I can no longer say her name without wincing. I will thus refer to her henceforth as “Gertie.”

you may also enjoy: A poke in the genitals with a sharp stick, being told how to think and voluntary lobotomies.

tangential thought: I almost lost my iPod seeing this piece of crap, but since I didn’t, I can say that it was still worthwhile bit of time spent with my sister “Frosted Tips,” but still only by a narrow margin. Oh and also, poor Ben Affleck.